SANTA GRAM
by Mike Rogers
I think
most magicians enjoy a good gag, so I'll share
one that I have used for several years during
the holiday season. It's a spoof on those appalling
family news letters that show up with greeting
cards this time of the year. This letter is
not original. It was making the rounds among
my navy friends more than 25 years ago. Now
and then I make a few changes to bring it in
tune with the times, but for the most part it
has remained the same. Simply mail it in an
envelope having no return address. You'll drive
them nuts.
SANTA GRAM
Hiddy Ho Everyone:
Here
goes our yearly thing - hoping to add something
extra to your holidays by sharing some of our
happiness with you.
Melba
returned to the kids and I July 13th after a
four months absence. She brought the guy back
with her that she ran away with and he spent
two weeks with us. He seemed to be a very nice
guy for a garbage truck driver. Melba looks
great though she is down to 185 pounds and she
doesn't perspire near as much as she used to.
Remember the rash she used to get on her legs?
All cleared up now!
Jimmy
is back home now after a hitch in the navy.
He was released seven months early due to a
problem he had by appearing in ads for a gay
newspaper circulating on the base. Seems the
navy just doesn't want these young kids working
in part time jobs these days. He also brought
home a young wife and her two kids. They are
living with us now. Jimmy did not lose his GI
benefits, so he is going to school under the
GI Bill and is now in the 10th grade. He still
wants to be a surgeon and I think the little
devil will make it!
Our little
Gloria blessed us with an eight pound boy this
summer. Melba looks after the kid (Willie) while
Gloria is in school. By the way she is only
one grade behind Jimmy now. She has grown so
much you would hardly recognize her. She no
longer needs a training bra, and Melba lets
her use lipstick now. She'll be off probation
for her shop lifting conviction in only six
more months!
The house
is getting to be a little overcrowded for us
and we are looking for a larger place. Also,
the home owners association has been giving
us a difficult time because of the newspapers
piling up in the front yard. They also think
our five dogs are a bit much, but we would never
think of parting with them. The barking doesn't
bother me at all. Anyway, it seems we will soon
be moving to a new place. Do you know of anything
near you?
You may
have heard that I lost my job last summer. Someone
squealed to the boss about my drinking problem.
I thought I had whipped it for I only consume
a fifth a day now. I'm not a quitter, though,
and I know my worker's rights. I have written
Senator Kennedy for help and assistance because
he really knows an injustice when he sees one.
Hope
this season finds you all happy and well. Melba
and I will load up the pickup truck with the
kids and dogs Xmas day, and we plan to be in
your neighborhood. We will drop in for a few
hours.
HAPPY
HO, HO, HO!
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