KNIFE
By Mike Rogers
Edson
Goodmark has had a rewarding but rough day.
The inviting plush hotel bar seems to be a perfect
place to relax, unwind, and recap the many events
of the week. It's been a busy week, a hectic
week, a damn tough week, and a week in Hell
for Edson. It was one of the largest conventions
of the year for his industry, and all of his
major customers were in attendance. He is tired,
worn out, and much in need of some down time.
Late dinners with customers every evening, long
hours on the trade show floor, meetings every
day, dirty cabs, rude hotel clerks, and canceled
reservations, all take their toll. Ed is not
unique. All the other account managers for DigitalXYZTech
have equally been through the mill. However,
the situation is not grim. Though it's been
a week in Hell the end results offer a year
in Paradise, for Ed has closed several major
accounts. Deals he's been working on for months
have jelled and he's looking at an increased
income as well as a healthy promotion. So the
idea of spending some mellow time in the quiet
hotel lounge offers a chance to reflect and
plan. Every business traveler has been through
it.
Happy
hour has just ended; the day troupers have had
their four cocktails, and have jumped into the
rush hour traffic hoping to navigate the freeways
without a ticket or an accident. Edson has been
in the hotel for a week and will catch an early
flight in the morning for the four-hour trip
across country. He's alone and likes it that
way.
Gregg,
the bartender, is busy rebuilding the Happy
Hour damage behind the bar, and getting set
for the dinner crowd. Business will be slow,
as there has been a mass exodus as the convention
attendees make the creep to the airport. Edson
is enjoying a Corona while admiring Gregg's
artistic ability at whipping a bar into shape.
A man sitting three stools away from Ed is toying
with a small pocketknife, obviously entertaining
himself with whatever he's doing with it. Ed
doesn't recognize the stranger, but by his manner
and dress he appears to be another convention
attendee who's hanging on for a few additional
hours.
The stranger
notices Ed watching him with the pocketknife
and starts some bar small talk. "I've been at
the Techno-Expo all week.
What a show! How about you?"
Ed replies,
"Same here, and I'm whipped, but what a great
week. I'm Edson Goodmark."
"Tell
me about it, my feet are so tired my hands hurt.
I'm Jim Shave from Buffalo." Jim extends his
hand for a warm greeting between two convention
warriors. All the while Jim continues to open
and close the knife for no apparent reason other
than to amuse himself.
The two
men swap a few anecdotes about the happenings
of the week and the quality of the Techno-Expo.
Jim continues to mess with the pocketknife until
Edson's curiosity takes control. He asks, "What
is it with the nifty little pocket knife?" Ed
has no idea if the knife is actually nifty,
but he's being polite. With that Jim shifts
down a couple barstools moving right next to
Ed.
"It's
a great thing Edward, one of the exhibitors
wassh giving them away." Jim had a difficult
time forming some of his words.
Edson,
a bit irritated at being called Edward, realized
that perhaps Jim probably started his evening
in the bar long before Happy Hour.
Jim showed
Edson that the pocketknife would open and close
just as it should. Then he invited Ed to give
it a try. Much to Ed's surprise the knife would
not open. There was no little groove to insert
the thumbnail for opening, and trying to put
a tight grip on the blade offered no help. "Hey,
that's pretty neat Jim, how'd you do it?"
"Look
Eduardo, it's a simple as thissh." He again
opened and closed the knife with ease. "Here,
Eddie, try and close it." Jim was in the bag
more than it appeared when the conversation
began.
Ed tried
to close the knife several times, and no matter
what he did the damn thing wouldn't stay closed.
He was becoming a bit tired of being called
Edward, Eduardo, and Eddie, but the knife held
his interest and he didn't break from the conversation.
"Hey
Gregg, barkeep, resupply our gas tanks, what
the Hell, why you shink we are here?" Jim was
showing the effects of too much booze, yet as
obnoxious as he was becoming he continued to
open and close the knife with ease.
"OK fast
Eddy, your turn," as he again offered the gadget
to Edson. "I'll bet you ten bucks you can't
do it, Ed old pal, old pal, Hell, I'll make
it twenty bucks." With that Jim plopped twenty
bucks on the bar, saying, "Pack that in your
piccolo if you can Addy, I mean Eddy."
Edson
decided he had had enough of both Jim Shave
and his clever knife, and said, "No thanks,
Jim, I'm not good at that sort of thing. Why
not try someone else." With that Ed started
a conversation with the bartender, Gregg, about
exotic drinks and their strange names. He wanted
to politely ignore Jim.
Jim placed
a napkin over his drink and shouted, "Hey Gregg,
my man, don't let anyone take my drink. I'm
going to visit the sandbox. Man this beer runs
right through me." He headed for the restroom
leaving the knife and his twenty bucks on the
bar.
Edson
had decided it might be a good time to close
out his tab and find another quiet bar, maybe
the hotel lobby bar. Before he could make the
move he was approached by still another stranger
having the appearance of a streetwise businessman.
"Hi,
sorry to butt in, but I've been watching that
jerk from across the room. I spent several years
in Asia and have seen several knives like that.
Here's how it works." The stranger picked up
the knife and showed Edson the secret of pushing
in on the blade. "Give it a try, it's quite
simple when you know how."
Ed took
the knife from the stranger, gave it a try,
and said, "Well I'll be damned. That is clever.
" He did it a couple more times, feeling pretty
good about it.
The stranger
said, "The obnoxious jerk wants to bet you twenty
bucks, why not take him up on it?"
Ed replied,
"No thanks, it's not my way, but thanks for
showing me the secret."
The stranger
said, "Hell don't be shy, the jerk deserves
a lesson in manners. Shoot, I'll even join in
on the game. Here's twenty bucks from me. Use
my money if you want. I'll collect the winnings
after you snooker him at his own game." With
that he dropped a twenty on the bar. "Oops,
here he comes. Let me get back to my own seat
before he sees us talking." Leaving his twenty
bucks on the bar the stranger quickly returned
to his own barstool some distance away.
Upon
Jim's return he loudly announced, "Thomas Edison,
there's nothing like a good trip to the pissatoriumÖmakes
you feel like a new man." He took a swig from
his glass and noticed the extra twenty bucks
on the bar. "Good to see it Eggson, so you are
going to call my bet?" Ed was starting to wonder
how many more variations of his name he'd endure
before shedding himself of Jim Shave, the drunk.
Edson
gave the wager some thought. What did he have
to lose? It wasn't his money, and Jim Shave,
the jerk, did deserve a lesson. He figured he'd
open the knife, pick up the forty bucks go hand
it to the stranger, and they would both have
a good laugh at the expense of Jim-the jerk-Shave.
Before
Ed could do anything Jim plopped another twenty
on the bar, saying, "What the fug man, let's
double the bet, go for forty, no better yet,
lesh make it sixty." He then threw another twenty
on the bar.
At this
point Edson was ticked off, tired of having
his name slaughtered, tired of Jim Shave, and
in the mood to put him in the creek once and
for all. It was time to end it, and time to
become a winner.
Sadly,
Edson Goodmark matched the bet. I say "sadly"
for when he picked up the knife, following the
stranger's instructions, and trying to duplicate
his own success of just moments ago, THE KNIFE
WOULD NOT OPEN. He tried again and again with
no luck. Jim Shave picked up the money and the
knife and thanked Edson for his company. He
quickly departed.
Needing
reassurance, a stunned Ed turned towards the
stranger at the other end of the bar. The stranger
was gone!
EPILOGUE:
This story relates a real scam. I have been
told that two men running this swindle years
ago earned enough to buy a carnival. The Open/No
Open pocketknife is a common beginner's trick
in magicdom. Of course the stranger is in cahoots
with the drunk. He switches the knife for one
that will not open just as the drunk emerges
from the restroom. Timing is everything as he
must make the switch, and the drunk must return
before the mark has a chance to again play with
the knife.
Have
fun, and don't destroy too many pocketknives
trying to weld the blade shut.
